Matthews Diary

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

I live in a hiding place

If there was one part of my personality I could replace, topping the list, almost certainly, would be my sentimentality. Being quite an emotional person (deep down, at least), I try to hold on to anything and everything that has any relevance to me. When it comes to selling things, or shedding worthless old tat, I'll, in most any situation, refuse to co-operate, dig my heels, and think up a million reasons for which I should keep any such item. For instance, I recently had to get a new bed. As battered as my old one was, as messed up as the springs were in it, and as marked, stained and bitty it was, I absolutely, positively refused to change. Though I had no choice when a stealth operation took place behind my back at Uni, but, alas, such is life.

I'm not writing this to recall the tat I have collected over the years however (that could go on for many thousands of words, if I got started), but, today, I've been thinking. There were several fine girls at University. And I mean fine. One of which I gave regular hi-fives. And it pains me to think that I, Matthew Britton, will probably never see them again. Or the kind of half-mates that I made. In a way, placing a couple of hundred kids at a University for a week and forcing them into a team mentality was kind of like torture as, no matter how any of the students try, struggle or writh, the chances are that the friends and compadres they made over the week will never be seen again. I mean, I made some mates there. Geordies-Scousers 1 to 6 (there were 3 of them, so don't ask), Matthew, Liam, Kev (the evil genius) amongst others... and none of them shall I grace again.

Finishing School was a similar experience. For 5 years I toiled, struggled and attempted to make an impression with people. For the final 2 years of my stay, I tried as dearly as I could to make anyone and everyone who I encountered that day to feel special. When passing random year 7's in the hall, I'd ask them for a Hi 5, say hello, ask for a hug or atrtempt to talk. It makes it feel all so more homely, and makes me feel more at ease. As a young child coming into a school containing 16 year olds, it can be quite daunting, and I know, especially when you're in culture shock, like I was. I wanted to be the person who all the kids looked upon and remembered as a 'pretty cool guy'. And, I think I acheieved that. The facts are though, as friendly as I was with Will Pugh, and as much I was hated by robotkids 1 and 2, I shall never, most likely, see them again. And, if I do, they probably won't recognise me, and I won't recognise me as we'll have likely have changed and developed. Even though I'll never know and never find out, I want to be one of the people that springs to mind when people think of Saint Pauls Roman Catholic High School.

It's just a strange, strange feeling. Like when you remember a part of a song, but only remember that little snippet, and, as much as you try, you can't think of what it might have been called and so, therefore, that's what it stays as - a worthless meory in your mind. I don't want to be a snippet in teh scrapbook of someones mind. I don't want to be the guys that someone half remembers when they look back at school in 30 years time. I don't want to be the person who everyone forgets. I don't want to fade into the background. Maybe thats why I act like a total prat, and why I grew my hair. It most likely, subconciously, is. Before I grew my hair I was a timid little child, with no social skills whatsoever. Now, though, it's almost as if I use my hair as a mask, to allow me to do stuff and experience things that the usual, short haired Matthew could never experience. Oh, the wonders of a human mind.

'you gave me more to live for
more than you'll ever know'

6 Comments:

  • After reading that, I have a mental image, a question and a statement ...

    I imagined you looking round your bedroom before walking out and closing the door behind you. Moments later, several figures dressed in black who had previously merged into the background spring to live and proceed in stripping your bed, manhandling it out of the window and replacing it with a new bed that one of them has hidden up his sleeve along with several ninja stars, a set on nun-chuks (?) and an inflatable power boat.

    -

    Were "robotkids 1 and 2" androids from the future?

    -

    "... it's almost as if I use my hair as a mask ..."

    Before I succumbed to using my wheelchair full-time I was like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr Hyde: when I wasn't using it I was shy, quiet and wouldn't dream of attempting to flirt with a girl; but, once I sat down in it I became a sort of Super Tim - cracking jokes, taking the piss and generally coming out of my shell. Nowadays I'll quite happily talk to anyone and everyone, be the centre of attention and flirt outrageously with anyone who's nearby - it's a big bonus that I can get away with much more than an able bodied male ever could ...

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