Matthews Diary

Friday, July 09, 2004

I know it's over, still I stay

Never, in all my life have I felt such raw, bittersweet emotion. As you may well know, tonight was the night when I could finally wave goodbye to my school-life, cast aside my old self, and step straight into my new life at college. The leavers do. The last hurrah. A time to reminise the good old days and say goodbye to a few mates. It was an awesomely spectacular night, in nearly all respects, as I expected it to be, and demanded it to be.

For the most part, it was one of the best nights I've ever experienced. Despite a sub-standard meal to start the evening off, I won best hair-do (as expected, to be frank), got nominated for funniest and then came the discotheque. Poor songs, great mates, poor but fun dancing. It all amounted to a spectacular night messing about with mates, having a laugh and girl watching.

But there's a downside. There's always a downside. You've probably guessed it from the get go, any of you who've followed my writing and read a few of my posts in the WLT. Dominique. The girl who I've been in love with for about 18 months. It was about this time last year that we split up and I thought maybe, just maybe, that it might be the time for a reconciliation. She'd been extremely close on MSN of late, saying I was 'probably the person closest to her in the world, right now', and generally flirtacious behaviour. I got my first inkling of the possibility during the nominations for the best hair, with her screaming for me to 'get up, Matt'. When the disco started, she even told me to start dancing with her group, which was nice, and when we started to talk again (about my dancing, her shoes and my brilliant singing voice), I was evermore convinced it could be back on. It all started to fit together. I started to dream about me and her dancing together for the last dance of the night, a la many, many teen movies, and getting back together and living happily ever after, so to speak. I nevrously stayed in close proximity to her, in the hope she'd ask for a dnace, or I'd get close enough to slip a word about how beatiful she looked in her ear. It just seemed so perfect, and like it really could happen.

From then, with about 45 minutes left until the 'last dance', it all started to go downhill. With her camera out, she just about flat out refused to take a picture of me and her together, which wasn't very encouraging, to be honest. I shrugged it off, though, as there was still a fair bit of time left until we had to part ways. I danced, sweated buckets, and kept a close eye on Dom, just to make sure I was always in with a chance.

The last slow dance came around far too quickly. I try to rush over to her, but I see her, in her stunning dress, hair placed to perfection, dancing with Nathan. I have nothing against the boy, he's one of the funniest, original and well witted guys in school, as well as being a musician and relatively good looking. My heart sank. In one second, one moment, all that I ever believed to be set in stone, anything I ever hoped to happen between me and her just ended. In retrospect, I felt like Pip must've felt from Great Expectations when he found out that he and Estella were never supposed to be, and that Miss Havisham only ever wanted to get revenge for being jilted. The only problem is that Dom was playing the parts of both Estella and Miss Havisham, with her leading me on with months of MSN conversation, only to break all hope of a comeback broken in a moment.

I'd heard rumours about it months ago - her having a fancy for Nathan, but I only thought it to be a playground rumour, and that any flame she might have for him was estinguished by our memorable and close conversations over the internet. She might be, and probably is innocent in this case, but that is little consilation for me, at this moment. I don't know how to describe it. Well, I'll put it simply - I never have another chance to show or prove to the girl that I've been deeply in love with just how much I love her, and how much I care for her, and how much I long for her to lay in my arms. It's difficult to even type about it, at the moment. She's going to an entirely different college to me, which is little help when it comes to future chances, and, even though she lives 20 minutes away, and I speak to her on MSN every time she logs on, pops in or comes online, I know that it's a 'look but don't touch' thing, and that I've got slim to no chance of ever capturing my sweet little butterfly ever again. She's gone, free, broken from my bounds, and has been for a year, which is the way it'll stay for the rest of eternity. It just looks like I'll never be able to touch my precious Dom.

And, once again, it looks like nice guys finish last. After listening to her problems, absorbing her anecdotes and entertaining her stories for many months, and offering the kind of compassion that it seemed, from our conversations, that no-one else was able to offer her. All whilst Nathan has been out on the town, in bars, playing his music and courting other girls. Why can't love be simple? Why can't girls justr love someone for who they are, rather than their image, what they do, or how available they are? I couldn't care less if Dom was crippled for eternity, or refused to have sex before marriage. I'd take her back, any day, any time, just because of the beatiful person inside that she is (as well as being extremely attractive). But not everyone sees it as black and white as that. Maybe that's the problem. When I was 'dating' her, I rung her everynight, thought about her all day, dreamed about her at night and, generally, tried to spend as much time as I could with the one that I loved. Sex never crossed my mind. All I could think about was her, and the beautiful future that we had together. I made the number one mistake of being too available. I don't subscribe to 'treat them mean...'. I want the girl I love to be able to have me whenever she wants as love, in my opinion, overrides all.

Great expectations still gives me hope, though. As cruel as it sounds, and as cynical as it may be, I hope that Dom gets her man. And I hope her man plays her about, breaks her heart, and makes her think about those that show her compassion, love and a feeling to be wanted. I hope that, in the end, it all work out, and that me and her are back together. Until that moment, that day, I'll stay what I am. A broken man.

1 Comments:

  • Hey. Im really sorry that you feel so bad about this girl, but I think that you have to think about your 'thinking'. You must think about all posibility's, especially positive ones and if you think there is a chance go for it. If there isnt as much luck on your side though try not thinking about it, try to occupy your mind with other things. You seem Like a really great guy and I wish you all the best, it may not seem like it now but there is someone special waiting for you somewhere, and someday you WILL find her. x x x

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:37 am  

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