Matthews Diary

Monday, July 19, 2004

comfort in words

Well, I promised myself that I'd use this space as some kind of diary, to record emotions and such, and, so, I may as well go along and record my emotions, you know, so I can look over them sometime in teh future and relate with them, and measure how much I've grown as a person, amongst other things. How I've kept this under wraps for as long as I have done is a mystery to me, and I'm shocked that I haven't whipped open notepad earlier, and written a lengthy essay about it but, as much as I try, it just doesn't flow. Now I may as well just spew everything I'm thinking, feeling into this and try to organise it into something readable.
Well, I might as well go ahead an inform you of the situation: the day I got home from Uni was the first time I checked my e-mail in a week and I had a personal mail from Dominique. Yes, that Dominique. I've thought about publishing the letter on here, seriously pondered putting it up for all to see, as some kind of public declaration. But I couldn't, and shan't. As much as a diary as this is, it's a public diary, and is open plainly for all to see, so anyone with the URL can simply come and and read my emotions. And that's another key point - they're MY emotions, that, I have chosen to make public. If Dominique wanted to make known her feelings, I'm sure she'd start her own blog up. The mail she wrote was only meant to between the two of us, and I feel it quite reveaking and dangerous to even mention it on here. Her friendship is one that I treasure and is one that I would be seriously upset if I ever lost her, in any form. She's become a pillar upon which some of me depends on, and losing such a vital companion would, most certainly, make me crumble and fall. For  those reasons, I am only going to discuss my feelings on here, rather than putting up the mail for anyone to see.

Well, if I thought that the other week was closure, how wrong I was. This information a year ago would've been something that I would've killed to hear - that would've given my summer hope, given the days a happier tint, and changed the ways I spent my time. Hell, I might have not have been sat here moaning about it all on this blog. But, if I'm honest, I'm quite glad I went through all this so called pain, in retrospect. As stupid as that statement sounds, It's often said that pain, suffering can enhance a person, and strife can make a better man, and I believe this to certainly be the case here. It was always going to happen at some point in my life - an immeasurable love being dashed, destined to crash and burn. I'm just glad that I've experienced it relatively early, and that I was at a point in my life where I could handle it sensibly, rather than other people or other times which may have forced quite different outcomes in the same circumstances. I certainly know, now, what it feels like to have any hope of being loved stolen from your body, and almost all will to live sucked from my veins, now, and, once it happens again, I'll be better equipped to handle it.

It's also nice to know that I am, actually, almost needed by someone. Never in my life have I been any kind of pillarstone or such in anybodies life. Of course, family love me, and would miss me if I was gone, but I'm not essential to anything in family life, and any happenings will, most certainly, not require any sort of input from me. I'm usually the fun man - the guy who is just there to mess around, to enjoy himself. I'm no kind of worker. I've got no responsibility, no use. In the purest sense, I'm selfish, ungiving and unworthy. But Dom told me that she needs me, that I'm the closest person to her - a true friend. That's sparked something inside of me, a feeling that I've rarely felt before. A feeling that I am, in fact, important, and that I am a good person. There's only one time that I can remember feeling like this - when, in cubs or beavers or some other organisation, a little kid told me, after I'd solved a puzzle, that he was 'really, really glad you're on my team'. That was several years ago, now, and by pure fluke, but this time, these statement by a girl I was once in a high intesity relationship with, are no fluke. Dom is just that kind of person, the kind of girl that makes you yearn to be with you. Even when you're surrounded by people, or she's busy or whatever, she still manages to make you feel that little bit more special, gives everything a rose tint. In a world full of self obsessive, throw away, fashion victim girls, she doens't fit any mould, fill any category. There's only one way in which I can describe her - Dominique.

I now, after all this writing, feel empty. After being brimming on emorion at the start of this peice, when all the file was was an empty screen staring back at me, I know feel more at ease, more ready to interact and play. Writing is the most theraputic thing I have. Thank God for this blessed blog.

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