Matthews Diary

Friday, July 09, 2004

Closure opens another 1,000 doors

A year. A whole long, laborous year without her. A year of poking, guessing, analysing, debating, probing and thinking just about why it was over, why it ended and why she doesn't love me anymore. It's been a struggle. People say that your first love is the hardest to get over and that time is healer. Well, for me, time has been a healer just as much as water is a washing up liquid - sure, it washes away the intial waste from your plate, but, no matter how much you scrub, wipe or dry it, it'll never be truly clean. Now, nearly 12 months to the day since we last touched, kissed, talked on the phone, I finally get some kind of closure. The kind of thing that, 12 months ago, may have stopped the hirting ended the pain and lessen the scars.Of course, I might have been found dead by a river with a bottle of Prussic acid in my hands if she's have told me back then as well, but still, I'll try and be the optimist.

I know what your thinking. '12 months? What as sad little boy'. And you're right. I'm sad, I'm lonely, and, in the words of The Stills, I'm still in love. Everytime I think I'm through, over she does or says something that reminds me what I saw in her back then, and just why I want her to be mine. The way she says 'Matt', imparticular, is something that makes me tingle in a way that no other seems to do. Such perfection, such innocence. So far away.

And I was right. I was absolutely, 100% right about why it's over. She may not be the most reliable source in the world, dear Danielle, but she simply can't have been making the reason up. After writing stories such as 'Havisham', my suspicions have been very much confirmed. To quote my prized peice of writing:

"Maybe that was my problem. Maybe there is such a thing as giving somebody too much love? Too many romantic gestures, too many love letters from the heart. Much too much."

The reason that we ended, and the reason that I'm sat, 12 months after we finished, typing about her on my laptop? She felt she was trapped by my love. Trapped. Trapped! So listening to her stories on the phone, hanging about with her in school, going around to her house is closing someone in now, is it? Being on demand, in love is now a faux pas when it comes to relationships?

I can, however, see her point, which is why I suspected it all along. Maybe I was too pressurising, too jealous, too uptight? I phoned her most everybnight, talked to her just about everyday and thought about her every moment. I remember going home one night, distraught, because she seemed to be pleased that another person 'fancied' her. I mean, if your girlfriends got a big smile on her faces, and is ignoring you for news about him on the phone, you have a little bit of a right to be somewhat worried, don't you?

But, like every answer, it leads to 1,000 other questions, all of them more cutting and worrying than the last. For instance, if she thought I was making her feel claustrophobic, then why on earth did she, a week before she broke it off, tell me that she was in love with me as we hugged on her sofa? Why did she keep my around, keep asking me around until the final few days? Why was she very mystical when it came down to the break up? I think I've got enough to last me another year, at least. Another year of hoping, praying, believing that I have a chance with her.
'it likes to hear you scream fire and damnation, lamentation'


  • i cant help but think if that person who 'fancied' her was me but meh sorry if it caused ye pain. iv learned to hide it now ,hence the shell, and others shant be hearing who i like much unless they are gud friends

    pfft :) ...

    By Blogger savagefool--abroni, at 11:41 pm  

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