Matthews Diary

Saturday, July 10, 2004

blood from broken hearts write the words to every song

I was a troubled teen
Who put an advert in a magazine
To the annoyance of my imaginary lover
She doubted my integrity
And this is what she said to me

She said oh, you, you're green
You don't know what love means
Oh let me tell you
It tickles you pink, oh yeah
But it likes to hear you scream
Fire and damnation, lamentations
For the likes of you

Read as a poem, it sounds like a 2nd rate attempt at informing people of somebodies feelings. I mean, if I came at these from afresh, they'd have little or no relevance to anything imparticular. However, if it's sung, with an acoustic guitar being strummed in the background, it suddenly becomes ever so meaningful and informative. At this moment in time, if I could choose just one song to listen to for the rest of eternity, it would be a close competition between 'I love you (but you're green)' by Baby Shambles, of which the lyrics above are stolen from, and 'Last Goodbye' by Jeff Buckley.

It constantly amazes me how musicians seem to get it so spot on with their songs, and how, no matter what my emotion, no matter what my feelings, The Smiths, The Cure, The Libertines have always got an answer or remark to put everything into context and make everything seem okay.

It's scary how much I'm depending on music, nowadays - back in the old days, it used to be games which I went to when I had energy to burn or feelings that needed to be heard. It's a very abstract way of doing it, though, as, no matter how much time you plough into Super Mario World, people are only going to think that you're either strange or have too much time on your hands. And I know. As a child, all I had on my street was a child in a wheelchair, and child with a mental disability. School friends lived too far away, and Mum was often at work, to try and get ius or own little place. it left me quite alone, at times, though, if I could go back, I wouldn't have it any other way. Struggle makes a person stronger, and being 'alone' for large portions of my time had really made me appreciate friendship.

The growth into music, however, has been a fairly gradual. It's been representative of my changing as a person. When I first moved to Manchester, I was listening to B*witchd and other similar pop groups. As I settled in, it quickly changed to nu-metal (after a breif period listening to Eminem), which could be seen as me wanting to shed my old self and start anew, and, considering the pace at which I quickly decided that Limp Bizkit, above all else, were genius, was alarming. In a short period of time, I decided to grow my hair, to start listening to rap-metal and my aim, in the long run, was most likely to become a 'mosher'. Thankfully, before I bought my first hoodie, I saw sense, and from then until about 9 months ago, I was in a place where music wasn't particularly important -sure, I'd shove on a bit of Nirvana every now and then, and play air guitar to Maiden, but, in essence, it wasn't necessary.

Now though, I can't usually go a day without turning on my favourite MP3s. Every word of every song is important. The underlying meanings have suddenly sprung to life, and speak to me in a language I've never heard before. Evey time I listen to a song, it changes, morphs, and how I percieve it changes. I'll use 'Last Goodbye' by Jeff Buckley as an example - for weeks I'd just thought it was a song about him going away, and them having to split up. After the escapades at the leavers party, and all the emotions from there, it's suddenly a song about a messy break up, and how, in the back of his mind, Jeff still wants, loves and cares aboutthe girls he's singing about.

My listening changes to suit moods, as well, as does most normal peoples - after the do, I listened to 'Last Goodbye' 21 times back to back. Like a time capsule, Jeff wrote this song for me, burnt it onto a disk, and sent it into the future, ready for my every need. It's almost the exact thing I'd write to Dominique if I had the chance. The lyrics 'Just hear this, Then I'll go: You gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know' almost bring me to tears in the right circumstances.

Jeff, if you're up there, reading, just know that you've guided a young, hopeless boy and helped him through the last few months, in your words, 'more than you'll ever know'.

"If i have to go, I will be thinking of your love"


  • I have known three Matthew's in my life and all of them have sucked. In fact, they have sucked it dry. You're no exception, you're no exception at all.

    By Blogger Markel, at 3:48 pm  

  • Well ive known more than 3 matthews in my life and only one of them sucked all the rest were great! One of them being my best friend, and i dont think you sucked just becuase youve got a story to tell and that music means something to you, makes you more of an intresting person really, and oh yeah B*Witched were good back in their day but Nirvana...well you can be forgiven for that one. Ill also add 'everythin happens for a reason, even the bad things in life'

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:33 pm  

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