Matthews Diary

Friday, July 09, 2004

1 week, 1 new man

I know that it seems greedy, doing 3 posts on my first day but, for heavens sake, this is my diary, I have no audience to please, to crowd to make happy, just me, myself and my emotions to think about, So I think it's time for a bit more self indulgence, and time to ramble my heart away once again.

Next week, Monday to Friday, I shall be spedning my days at the University of Manchester, on some kind of taster course thing. It'll be filled with the usual proganda about pay, jobs and teh advantages of going to higher education but hey, I can stand all of that, as it's a free week away from home, with mates, to make and build a robot, apparently. After the drama that was the Leavers Do (might go into that in a bit more detail tomorrow - today I still can't believe that it actually even happened), this could be just the thing I need to take my mind away from certain lost loves, and focus it into a newer, cleaner energy, rather than the bitter lust that has intoxicated my mind and burns my tastebuds. I just pray that it might signal the end to my 'hectic schedule' (3 things to do in a fortnight is a lot for me, you must see), meanoing I can draw a line and start a fresh, ready for the 6 weeks building up to college, and start the nervousness for my results (don't even mention it).

All in all, it should be fun - messing around all day with random strangers, doing 'activities' at night (we're going to the cinema one night, apparently), and, possibly, the chance of a lovely lady to ease the pain. The idea is rediculous - a rebound girl a year after going out with someone. Oh, to be a troubled teen. AT least I'll be able to laugh it all off with camp she-male type Jamie, Mario and Alwin, and, hopefully, have some meaningful conversation with the 3 of them, rather than the sexual innuendo filled insult fest that we usually partake in. Maybe I'll really get the find out what Mario feels about Danielle, or as such. Maybe I'll e able to express myself to something other than a blank screen on a laptop, or strangers on the internet. It's a crazy thought, and one that might change me from the emotionally shelled (as my good friend Mr. Broni would say), self absorbed teen that I am into a better, stronger, less awkward person, and could help me win her back, though I did promise myself that, in this entry at least, she would NOT be mentioned.

Mother seems sure that it's actually her going on the little vacation rather than me, as she quizzes me daily about what I'm going to do, what I'm going to wear, and the availibility of my underpants (???). She's even been out and got me about 4 pairs of jeans and toilettres ready for the ocassion. This si the same woman who refused to let me wear a shirt with a 1cm tear on the lower back of my shirt because it looked too cheap. Sometimes I do worry about her, you know.

So, when this blog is left empty in the next week or so, just remember why - Im out there trying to mould myself into a new person, and find myself a new identity. Please, say a little prayer.

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